I have been seeing Jim exclusively for about eight months now. He is a man with whom I am complety taken. Jim is strong, handsome, thoughtful, loving, and playful. We are very much in love. Both of us have our own homes, but as often happens we tend to stay the night at one place or the other. I feel certain that I know him very well, and trust him implicitly. I would trust him with my life. We both knew, almost immediately, that someday we would be married. It was like knowing that the new spring grass would be the prettiest green, smell the very sweetest and that it wouldn't grow sooner or faster than it was meant to. At least that was the analogy we stumbled upon when we talked about setting a wedding date.

I dated other men before Jim but have never felt the same comfort and trust that I share with Jim. So many of them wanted me to say that I loved them, or even that I cared, but I never felt the way I was sure that I should. Also, I am a fiercely independent woman. I've never considered saying those things aloud before I met Jim. Even with him, my past haunted me. I am not a woman who is easily given to admitting emotions. I felt that actions spoke the words that were unsaid. I know that I can trust Jim, but the past can be very gripping. After several relationships and having men walk out, saying things like, "You just aren't like any other woman I've ever known," and no further explanation, I was left with a fear of commitment and trust. Although Jim told me repeatedly that he loved me, I had not been able to say it back. I felt as though the words were there but were stuck in my throat. I never could get past that lump in my throat, or to allow him full access to my soul.

On this particular night, we were attending a black-tie social event for Jim and his co-workers. We agreed to prepare at our own homes before he picked me up in his sports car.

The building in which this dinner dance was held is my definition of decadent! The air was filled with music and the sounds of people talking and laughing. There was a huge buffet dinner and dancing. The floors were marble, the utensils gold, and the fixtures brass.

While toasting the success of an enormous excavation project, I felt Jim staring at me. I talked with the other guests at the table and silently admonished myself for having a flushed face just because his storm-gray eyes were upon me. I hoped that no one noticed. No matter how long we were together, it seemed to happen every time he set his gaze upon me.

The night felt magical, like there was electricity racing back and forth between us. It was a feeling akin to being on a roller coaster, an anxious rider who couldn't escape, and couldn't help but let it take me by sheer force of momentum through hills and valleys, perilous turns and dark tunnels; frightening and thrilling all at once! Then, like I had so many times before, I felt and then saw Jim looking at me. I could tell he was silently amused at my dreaming eyes, which I quickly turned to the ground, feeling as though he had read my silly thoughts.

I was bemused at my own thoughts when our dinner-table guests toasted our impending engagement and our continued happiness together. I couldn't begin to imagine how it could possibly be any other way.

We danced the night away and I had no problem following Jim's flawless lead. Later on, he led me from the dance floor to the outside pavilion for some air. It was a beautiful August night with the breeze scented like orange blossoms. The pavilion was high and overlooked water on all sides. We stood at the brass railing savoring moonlight sparkling like diamonds upon the lake below. The height was a little bit dizzying, but he held me pinned to his broad, firm chest. His arms encircled me protectively from behind, and he leaned closer to place hot kisses upon the back and sides of my neck. He knew how it always drove me to distraction when he kissed and sucked my neck in places that only he seemed to know about. His breath was hot and ragged against me. I recalled a similar time, one much more private, when he'd had me near to fainting, practically clinging to him, just to remain upright. I had been grateful that he'd been holding me so tightly to him, for that reason. I snapped out of my musings as the tip of his hot, moist, tongue trailed fire in the same direction that his kisses took. Knowing what he could do to me, I knew that I'd have to be exceptionally careful to not just give in to my emotions as that could embarrass both of us, get him fired on the spot or have both of us arrested!

Quickly, I stifled my gasps of pleasure and grasped the brass railing hard. Then he began to kiss the arch at the back of my neck where my neck and shoulders meet. Despite the grip I had on the railing, I felt myself sway back against him. I began to shiver as his member stiffened against the crease of my buttocks. He pressed his engorged shaft hard against me there. I was sure that he couldn't tell that I'd worn no panties; only stockings hooked to a garter belt, and a half-slip so short, it was barely worth wearing. I'd needed something beneath the gown to ensure that I would not be completely nude if the long split in this daring gown gave way. After all, this was the first time I had worn anything this frighteningly scanty! I needed something to cover my pantiless form without showing beneath the split, which nearly reached the point of no return!

After a week of tirelessly shopping for the ideal dress, accessories, hairstyle, shoes, and undergarments for the effect I'd hoped to create, everything came together with the addition of the perfect cologne. After having smelled and tried so many fragrances, I was sure that I'd never fully recover my sense of smell. It had been a lot of work, I thought silently, but apparently the work was very worthwhile. The scenario I had pictured all week long began after we arrived back at his home after the dance. I had wanted him to be pleasantly shocked and terribly aroused. After all, it seemed a welcome change from my initial inhibitions and shyness. Even after almost one year, my modest upbringing had gotten the better of me. This would be my first wicked attempt to please him esthetically and physically.

Still holding me fast with one arm around my waist, his other enfolded me across my shoulders. At least that is what it would seem to any prying eyes. Jim cautiously adjusted his hand to lightly rub my bare skin and run the tips of his fingers across the tops of my breasts. Then he firmly pressed two fingers into my cleavage, stroking the inside flesh of both breasts. I was already craving him and grew even hotter, feeling his warm breath pounding heavily against my neck as his lips bruised the tender flesh there. I loved that he had all but branded me, even though I didn't yet wear his ring. I loved him so, and could never fathom what he did do to me, like what he was doing to me right now.

It was as if he just knew how and where to suckle and kiss my neck, lips, and shoulders. He stole my breath, made my knees start to give way, and clouded my thoughts making me forget everything but him. He titillated me until I was so ready that I had to have him. When he made me feel all those things, I shamelessly needed the completion that only he could give me. Sometimes, I even caught myself in the throes of behaving willfully wild and wanton; a woman I did not recognize as myself. I was acutely aware that I would do whatever I must to reach that pinnacle of lovemaking when all is surreal! I had to feel him throbbing inside of me. I thanked any spirit that might be listening that Jim had never become fully aware of the power that he had over me, the power to make or break my will.

On this matter, I felt blessed and cursed at the same time. It was something I had not known about myself before Jim, but in that and several other ways he had the immense capacity to control me. That could be very dangerous territory and he could never find that out, nor could he ever know the depths to which he affected me. Finding myself thinking in that vein, a slight frown crossed my face, startling me fully back to reality. Moving forward, I gripped the brass railing with both hands. I quickly feigned a sudden interest in the surrounding scenery while I was actually trying to steady myself. All of my senses were heightened and my skin was glistening. I knew that I'd come too close. I wanted to feel him penetrate me, and knew that I would have given myself in complete abandon to feel both of us twisting and writhing together; limbs entangled, wanting to be closer than our bodies would allow. I wanted us to be more than just an extension of each other. And I wanted to be climaxing with the length of him throbbing, as his seed spilled into the nexus of me, forcing me to climax over and over as my hot wetness clung tightly to him, together in every capacity as we became part of each other.

After several minutes in this too-public pavilion, he breathed against me, whispering between kisses, "You can't know what you do to me, my little one." I visibly shook with desire I could barely contain. Jim grazed me with his teeth, ensuring that I could feel everything I'd made him feel, pressing his rock-hard need against my buttocks and continued, "But, by tomorrow, you will know." Jim continued his sensuous assault upon me and again a sweet, tormenting ache began between my thighs.

I smiled then, since he did not have clear view of my face as he stood behind me, and I thought to myself, 'Oh! But I do know, and I hope you never find out what you do to me.'

He was still moving his hand expertly, teasingly pinching my nipples through my gown, rolling each one between his fingers then cupping and kneading my breasts with both hands, while our backs were to the building and his tall, muscular size afforded us some small degree of privacy. Still, we both knew that someone could catch us at any moment. It would be obvious that we were no longer admiring the scenery, since my chest was heaving, my eyes were closed, our skin was flushed and glistening, our breathing was shallow and labored, and my entire body was shaking in deep arousal. His tailored trousers strained against his erection and were threatening the seams, his lips slightly swollen, and the telltale bruises adorned my neck and shoulders.

Almost painfully, he lifted his head. Taking my face in his strong hands he turned me to face him, each of us knowing in a glance what the other was thinking. Our eyes met and instantly conveyed our mutual need for immediate privacy. Then he lightly pressed a kiss to my lips with only one hand resting upon the small of my back. Still standing very near to me, he turned his storm-gray eyes toward the night sky. He was near enough that I could feel his breath upon my cheek, without actually touching, but close enough to hide his obvious erection. Both of us were aware that one more moment of weakness could mean loss of all rational thought. I knew that if he pulled me to him and kissed me deeply once more, he held the potential to pull my dress off, lay me spread-eagled upon a nearby table, and do with me whatever pleased him, regardless of the crowd. Worse was that I knew that I'd let him, and that for the time we made love, all else would fall away. There would be only him. Everything he did made me feel utterly and completely loved, and my every response would match and meet his. Making love with Jim was always new and different. I was his wholly: body, mind, and soul.

We paused, and I fought to focus on the lake below the pavilion, as he attempted to retrieve cigarettes from the many pockets of his suit jacket. I admired the way it strained over his strong, well-muscled shoulders. Again, I forced myself to visualize various ducks and wild creatures coming to drink from the lake. I made a silent and strenuous effort to name the types of fish that might be found in a lake like this one. While Jim searched for cigarettes, I leaned, slightly arching my back, as my stiletto heels were beginning to make my back ache. Holding onto the railing with both hands, I watched him searching his pockets, before he finally found them. As he was lighting one, I began to wonder if I had gone too far; if I should have stopped this interlude before it began. I could not read those eyes, sometimes.

After a long, deep, drag he slowly looked me up and down and said, "You do strike a most delicious pose," and gave me a wry smile. I winced, never having thought of how I must look, back arched, hair swept up, face turned up, eyes smoldering with desire, chest and flat of my stomach arched out, revealing more cleavage than intended by the dress or me. Immediately, I gasped and stood up straight.

I began letting my thoughts stray once more, getting lost in admiring his physique. We had been together for eight months, and I still could not get enough of just looking at him secretly. I railed against my intimate, voyeuristic thoughts of him: the way he moved so self-assuredly, the way his muscled back rippled and the way his taut, firm buttocks clenched drove me crazy.

Throwing caution to the wind and giving in to temptation, I decided to risk spending more time here on this grand marble and brass pavilion, hidden partly behind a large pillar, but without a private moment to call our own. I flashed a devious smile into his smoldering eyes. I was riveted to the fascination and beauty there, knowing that someday it may be the death of me. Still I ran my hands seductively over his chest. At first, he'd begun, "Don't," but he was smiling and I knew that he was not angry for having let me get this far. It was a promising tease, which he allowed for a moment, knowing that I was actually torturing both of us. He closed his eyes, as I opened several buttons on his shirt to push my hand to his bare chest, gently teasing the hair on that hardened form, lightly running my fingertips over his skin as far as that blasted shirt would allow. Uttering an oath under my breath, I considered tearing his tailored shirt from him, and pushing him against the pillar, to touch, lick, taste, kiss, and nip every inch of his flesh!

Finally, he took my hand and placed a lit cigarette between my fingers that were dwarfed by his large hands. I always found the difference in our sizes comforting. I was tiny next to him, but I felt safe and protected, not smothered as I'd felt so many times before I'd come to know Jim. His actions belied his words; as he kneaded my shoulders, letting one hand slide down to feel my aching breasts. He murmured softly that my touch was exquisitely delicate like my kisses, and explained what we both already knew; that we needed to recover from this erotic adventure so we could say our goodnights to everyone.

That moment had gotten extremely intense and nearly out of hand. I felt my own wetness begin and wished I had at least brought panties with me. An intended first time surprise that I was hoping Jim would find intensely arousing once we returned home was not turning out as I hoped. At this moment, finding a quick way out seemed nearly impossible. Agonizingly, I removed my hand from his tan chest and fastened the buttons on his shirt. Following that, I forced myself to finish the cigarette.

Silence overtook us. There was no need for conversation. By now we knew that this would be a night unlike any proceeding one. Smoke assailed my lungs and nostrils as I pondered a familiar and curious thought. I wondered if human beings are just another species of adaptable wild animals. On the whole, I thought we are civil beings but wild, like animals, about lovemaking. In a glance, I knew Jim had been doing the same as I; frantically, we had been searching the building's dark corners for a possible hallway, a hidden door; the nearest and quickest exit, hoping to leave unnoticed. Tearing my eyes from him, I fixed my mind on slowing my breathing. I felt fortunate that heat lightning lit up the sky, highlighting the distant treetops as the occasional rumble of thunder helped to distract my errant, willful thoughts. Finally, we tucked and pulled at our clothing, making certain that nothing looked askew. Then Jim was navigating me through the throngs of people. Upon finding my purse, I let him lead me, cutting a path through the crowd. Finally he helped me through the door to the outside.

Upon arriving home, he immediately and tenderly pulled me close for a deep kiss. His tongue explored my mouth, lightly stroked my tongue, and entwined them together. His lips were suckling my own, and sucking my tongue into his mouth, forcing me to slowly withdraw from this divine sweetness; intentionally and ever so slightly grazing my tongue with his teeth as I moved to break this thrilling, erotic kiss. Finally, he exited the car and quickly opened my door. In one swift movement, he fluidly pulled me from the front seat of his car, to crush me against the length of him, and then we raced for the front door of his house.

Easily catching me, he wrapped one arm around me, turned me to him, caught me up with both hands at my waist, and suddenly lifted me over his shoulder, completely ignoring my demands to put me down. I playfully landed a few light fists to his back, kicking my feet and demanding to be let go at once. Quickly, he strode to the door as if I was weightless, and ignored my feigned pleas as well. In the process, I could feel my strapless gown slide down a little, forcing me to use one hand to cover myself as I modestly pretended that I could hold the dress in place. I was truly glad for the darkness, lit only by the full moon.

Once inside he set me back upon my feet, but did not move to turn on any lights. Before my eyes could adjust, I reached out for the light switch, but he gently gripped my wrist. Moving close in front of me, he took my other wrist and held them together in one hand. He held my hands and arms immobile and pulled them above my head while kissing me intensely, passionately and insistently, taking over my thoughts and senses. He began to kiss my lips and neck wildly, alternately switching from hard and fast to sensuous slowness. I returned his kisses with fervor and urgency, but found this sort of ravishment kept me rather off-balance. Without hesitation, I was preparing for his shock when he found out about my lack of panties. I just knew that he would be truly surprised and amazed when he unzipped my gown to find that I'd been without panties all night. I stifled a wicked smile.

Already I needed him so much. I needed to feel his hard length pressing forcefully against my own entrance to pleasure; pushing into my tight, hot moistness and needing him to be part of me. Then I gave myself over to following his lead without question. I'd found that once I stopped trying to read his mind, and think of how the next moment should or might be, the easier it was to just accept and reciprocate.

I became so lost in this moment that I was completely unaware that he was still holding my wrists above me, and that he had efficiently bound them together with his tie. I was thinking solely of the desire building in both of us. I knew that I was beyond reason and prepared to sate his need anytime, anywhere. His lips and tongue were sliding up and down that place on my neck, while his breath against my skin made my knees buckle. Still in darkness and holding my wrists up, he led me as I walked tentatively until he pressed my back to the sliding glass door. Eyes still unadjusted to darkness, I recognized this as the rear of the house, which faced an inter-coastal canal and the neighboring homes. He pinned me there, hands still above my head, suckling my neck, kissing and licking me there, breathing hard against my swollen breasts. The cool window glass against my back steadied me. My eyes were closed and I shivered as he unzipped my dress partially, not fully freeing my breasts from my red-sequined gown. Slowly, he felt, tasted, and touched each breast and then squeezed both together, burying his face and kissing them there, breathing hot gasps against my cleavage. Clearly, he was as excited as I was.

I was certain we would get no further than the couch in this room, before I finally got to feel the length of him pressing into me, straining against the moist tightness that I had given only to him, and not to anyone before. Then when I could wait no longer, he would grow still until I wrapped my legs around his back forcing him into me and finally, begging him to make us one and give me the ultimate orgasm, which he always did. He knew how I craved him. I was acutely aware of just how careful I would have to be because I would do anything to have him now and I didn't want Jim to ever truly know the power that he wielded over me.

I was praying he would make love to me then and there. However, in a low, soft growl, he whispered how soft my skin was and how much we would want and need each other by the time he allowed that sweet release. Stopping his ministrations, he whispered how he'd noticed that I wore no panties. I swallowed hard, wondering if I would faint. Suddenly I was sure that he would inform me that everyone there could tell I'd not had panties or bra on beneath my gown. My mind raced thinking about how I'd checked, time and again, in various mirrors and in different lighting, to ensure that no one would ever know. I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable argument that was obviously brewing as he toyed with me. Indeed, he reminded me that beneath the dinner table, he'd slid his hand into the split in my gown, moved it up my leg and felt nothing beneath my half-slip except for stockings and garter. In a completely knowing and slightly authoritative tone, he said, "You've been driving me crazy all night, love. Now it's your turn to suffer the same, and you'll want to end your suffering as much as you'll want it to continue, but you won't have a choice."

There was no laughter or amusement in his voice. I was growing worried that he was serious, but I knew that Jim would not hurt me in any way. It simply was not in him. Nonetheless, I felt the blood drain from my head to my toes as fear descended upon me. Perhaps he was very serious. Perhaps he was truly angry, feeling that I'd embarrassed him before everyone at an event thrown in honor of him and his co-workers.

I never meant for anyone to find out that I'd pulled a stunt like that. What was I thinking? "Jim! I'm so sorry," I began my apologetic explanation, but he put a finger to my lips.

Having none of it, he'd silenced me, "Shhh. That's wholly unnecessary and I won't hear it from your sweet lips," he hissed under his breath. Though I could sense he was looking directly into my eyes, almost challenging me to argue the point, I could not be sure in the darkness. All I'd needed to do was to rely upon my instincts. I felt my face turn red. An audible gasp escaped my lips, as I hadn't expected him to find out about the missing underwear until much later.

He slid the door open and nudged me outside. Since I was still in my stilettos, he kept one arm around my waist, not letting me stumble, as we walked. He brought me to stand on the concrete patio near the edge of the canal, beneath a full moon. He stood behind me, one arm around me in front, letting his hand roam freely, teasing and visibly taunting me, there in the moonlight. He then brought my arms down in front of me. Pressing my hands to the front of my dress, he showed me that I should make a fist and scrunch my dress into my hands, pulling it up for him. Only then did I realize that my wrists were bound by more than just his hand. I quickly moved to flatten my hands and smooth my dress back down, but he firmly denied me that. Though slightly panicked, I was sure he was just playfully punishing me for driving him crazy all night, and was pushing the envelope to see if I'd give in to my fear. I thought, in all of my stubborn Irish pride, 'I'll show him just what his girlfriend is made of,' so I remained silent.

Despite my squirming in protest, he caught me firmly to him, my back to his front and I thrilled at the feel of his chest against me. Knowing that I would soon desire him beyond all limits, I had to think fast. Failing to find a way to turn back and stop this erotic exhibition, I turned pleading eyes upon him and begged, "Jim, no! No! We can't. I can't!" I'd nearly whined, "Are you insane? Please stop! Please? It's a full moon out here and besides; I will never be pantiless again! What if the neighbors see? How are we going to explain?"

I would have continued my panicked litany if he hadn't pulled a scarf from his back pocket. He tied it around my eyes saying, in a somewhat mocking tone, "My love, if you are worried about the neighbors seeing us, then you won't notice them now." Then he kissed me hard, stealing my breath before I could speak. He sucked my lips and tongue hard so that I could not protest. Again, he made me scrunch my dress into my fists and pull it up to my waist.

Given no other choice and with an inherent knowledge that he would never truly hurt me, I began to trust and rely upon him as I never had before. A wave of electric heat started in my pelvis as his lips brushed my neck and his hand teased my breasts by tracing circles around my taut nipples. Again, I was lost to his unbearably passionate assault upon my senses. I forgot myself, forgot where we were, and became wholly immersed in my feelings. His hands were touching, feeling, squeezing, kneading, and pinching, exploring every inch of me without inhibition. I was on fire for him: like white-hot fingers of lightening spreading through my body. My skin began tingling, ultra-sensitive to his touch now, and I was totally ready for and in need of him. I tried to steel myself for the give and take of this new sort of foreplay.

Jim took my bound hands in his. Extending only my index fingers, he held my hands, resting his fingers against mine. Then tightening his grip on my hands, he forced me to touch myself with him. I started to fight, tried to draw back, but he pushed my hands down further. Then I felt both of us touching my wetness and stoking my most intimate regions with my fingers and his. My entire body tensed, needing that release and rebelling against receiving it this way. Soon, my breathing was ragged, my body quivering, as he pushed the tip of his finger into me. Teasing me, he pushed another finger into my hot canal, but he quickly withdrew it again and again. I heard whimpers escape me that I did not recognize as my own. "Jim, please," I pleaded.

"We have only begun," he replied. He continued with two fingers, stretching me open and then three, but then he stopped abruptly. Just when I thought I would fall from the precipice of pleasure into an ocean of delightful pleasure waves, he just stopped. I wanted to scream in frustration, but swallowed hard and stopped myself as I felt it rising up in my throat.

"Stand here. Don't move," he quietly commanded. I heard him walk away. I stood there wondering just how vengeful a person I was almost engaged to and why he hadn't shown any sign of it until now. I was too far beyond anger, frustration, exhaustion and confusion to think rationally. It was only upon his return, hearing him dragging the chaise lawn chair with him, that I wondered why I hadn't tried to push the scarf from my eyes or tug the knots loose on the tie, or even why I hadn't let go of the gown and covered myself. I was wondering if maybe throwing myself to whatever lurked in the canal was a better option than whatever he intended to take place this night, but Jim was by me in an instant.

Many times in the past I'd wondered about his ability to read my mind, and tonight it confounded me more than ever. I was startled, wondering how he could be so tuned in to me, to my thoughts and feelings yet still keep me so off balance. I ended my futile thoughts as quickly as they started, as he swiftly unzipped my gown the rest of the way and let it slip to the ground, then tugged my half-slip until it landed atop the dress. Quickly he pulled me hard against him, gripping my wrists and kissing me deeply. Then he stepped back and let go of me, making certain that my arms were above my head, and my legs were apart. I felt him staring at me, as I stood naked before him, except for my stiletto heels, stockings, garter belt, tied wrists and blindfold. There in the moonlight, I was totally at his mercy. Even blindfolded, I felt his blistering gaze upon me, branding me his own. Then, he pulled me into the circle of his arms, kissing me passionately, as he swept me up and placed me gently on the cushioned lawn chair. Rapidly he found the excess length of his tie, which bound my wrists, and knotted it to the top of the metal chair above the cushion. Then, he straddled me, finding a comfortable position on all fours before he pressed his naked body to mine. It seemed like I had waited all night long for this and I sighed in relief. He felt me relax just a little and took the opportunity to kiss me slowly and deeply, removing my doubts, reaffirming my faith in him and reestablishing trust. Then he rolled to my side, free to kiss or touch me anywhere and he did so leisurely.

I was thankful that he had bound me. I was too weary to fight my own emotions or him anymore. His kisses moved lower, branding my neck as he teased me, pressing his swollen need almost into my wetness. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or cry out, as he breached my inner recesses, barely pushing into my aching moistness. I was dripping with desire and he used that to his advantage, as his fingers stoked me between my legs.

"Jim, please," I moaned, knowing that I would beg him for release if I continued, and bit my tongue sharply. Then, he rubbed my backside, cupping his hand to my shape and touched me in ways I had never thought of anyone touching me. Once more he squeezed the cheeks of my bottom and I swallowed hard against a cry that threatened to fill the night sky. I knew that I was beyond my ability to stop, even if he only meant to tease me, never allowing me release. I was prisoner to his will and we both knew it. Still, he continued stroking me softly with his fingers and mine. Pressing ardent kisses to my lips, he continued his fiery, tortuous teasing. I was so close to orgasm and I needed him inside me so badly, that I found myself begging him, and really meaning it.

"Jim. Please, please!"

"Please what?" he responded, "Say it. Tell me. You do love me. I know that it's in your heart. Why won't you tell me?" he demanded in a deep and serious tone. Still with some of my stubbornness intact, I remained silent.

Suddenly, he turned me over, pulling me across his knees. While I was still bound to the chair, he fingered me wildly and spanked my fully exposed backside. "Say it. Say the words." he whispered over and again. My voice failed me, first in surprised shock and then because of the unfamiliar, utterly sexual heat that began in my pelvis. He continued to pleasure me, spanking hard enough to sting, but not to mark me. He'd been expert at what I would eventually come to know as the art of sensual spanking.

Abruptly stopping, he turned me back over and began to kiss my lips softly. "Say the words to me, love," he breathed against my lips, face and neck, still whispering those words as he moved to my shoulders, pelvis, and thighs. I was hotter and wetter than I ever thought I could be, more ready than I could bear, and ashamed that he could make my own body turn traitor with pleasurable punishment. My face was burning with embarrassment, excitement and shame. I was glad for the blindfold that hid my eyes from him. In fact just now, I was glad this chaise was cushioned, and wondered if he'd left his handprint on my cheeks.

Jim knew my fears, and understood them better than I did. He knew about the men in my past as well as my Catholic upbringing, which caused me to be shy and inhibited. He also knew how to undo those emotional chains and locks. In some very private, intimate ways, he did know me better than I knew myself. More than he needed his own release, he needed to hear the words from me, my entire commitment to trust him beyond measure, and trust him to take me beyond those fears. He moved down my body ever so slowly, making me wait and wonder kissing the length of my pelvis and holding my body pinned to the chair. I felt the heat of his breath between my legs.

I cried out, "Jim, No! Please?" Ignoring my cries, he continued licking, kissing and suckling me into a frenzied desire.

"Say it. Give me the words, love," he said as I detected a quiver in his voice. I was shivering with need and exhaustion, but swallowed hard against the whimpers that had already fallen upon deaf ears, as he tortuously suckled my clitoris, and stroked me with his tongue, faster and harder. Then he maneuvered to sit and turn me over his knee again. He stroked the entire length of my back from shoulders to ankles, and then he slowly eased himself away. I heard him stand and pick up his clothes then he pulled the belt from his pants.

"Tell me," he insisted, very softly, "I know you can. You must! You know it as much as I do." His speech was ragged and broken, but not relenting. Suddenly, when I hoped he might finally take me, I jumped at the feel of his belt as it cracked across my derrière. After several cracks of his belt, I began to feel those lightning fingers crackling through my nerve endings, threatening to force me to climax. I fought him then, squirming, fighting tears that welled up in my eyes, railing against the restraints, pushing, writhing and clawing at the tie around my wrists, all to no avail. He said, through clenched teeth, "I love to watch you squirm and grind against me," as the belt landed a blow across my buttocks again. I knew that I must have welts from some of those blows by now and tried to feel furious with him. "You know," he whispered, as he began pressing light kisses to my bottom, rubbing me there, as he teased my nether regions, "you can make this easier on yourself. You know you can, and so do I." Jim's voice trailed off and he pressed my legs wide open, pinning one leg beneath his own, then he wiggled his finger into me.

I knew he was aching for me too, as he was nearly half-moaning, "Oh, so tight, so, so ready." He drove me to distraction over and over, until the sting was all but forgotten, and I felt everything in my pelvis contract.

'Finally he is going to make love to me. Finally!' I thought. But then he began using his hand in short, stinging smacks, covering the fleshier part of both my cheeks, and then lower, landing short smacks to my upper thighs and stinging the tender flesh between my legs. I collapsed into tears, unable to contain the need for release any longer. In so doing, I found an outlet for the series of shocks I'd received tonight. It felt foreign to cry in front of Jim, much less because of him.

Again, he landed the flat of his palm to my inner thighs, grazing my intimate regions at the same time. The blows were much softer than before, but enough to sting badly, and force more tears. My feelings were entirely mixed up; being kept off-balance for so long, finding myself bound and helpless, wavering between my certainty and uncertainty of him, mortified at my own traitorous body, yet barely containing the heat from his spanking. It was all too overwhelming. I understood none of it. I knew what he wanted me to say, but could not bring myself to just make a confession straight from my soul. He had said before this that he would not accept some or most of me. I knew he wanted all of me and I did my best to give him that. I wanted same from him. Returning to denial I thought that he couldn't possibly want me to confess it all right here and now. No. I began to refute my own thoughts, knowing in my heart of hearts that it was precisely what he needed from me. No, I clung to my panicked thoughts, 'That can't be it. He wouldn't. He can't think... I could never just flat-out admit it. No. Jim knows me, really knows me. He knows everything about me. He knows how I feel about him, and the reasons I would never just haul-off and profess my undying love aloud. It just can't be that. Can it?' The reality was just too much, too difficult a thing to ask of me. He just wouldn't, I thought, and pushed it from my mind.

I knew that Jim would never wound me, but he was not above using an exact mix of pleasure and pain to force my surrender. Dipping two fingers into my wetness, he slid one out and began to stroke me again, this time tracing circles around my sensitive nub. Rubbing my reddened cheeks, he moved both of us onto our sides. He held me tightly against him with one arm reassuringly, but still he tickled my clitoris, even as sobs began to wrack my body. Everywhere he touched, I felt he had seared me with a heat so intense I couldn't stand it. I resorted to pleading one last time, "Jim, please stop. Please? I'm begging you! Please!"

"Yes. Please." he whispered softly, "Tell me, love," as he gingerly laid me back on the cushions, lightly trailing his fingers over my breasts and down to my thighs; touching, exploring, surreptitiously forcing me to the sweet summit of my own arousal again.

Both of us knew I could deny him nothing now. Again he spread my legs wide, but found his belt and fastened my ankles beneath the chaise lounge, forcing me to arch my back, giving him complete access to my every vulnerability. The ferocious intensity of the fire he'd started so much earlier was still burning, and he fanned that flame to new life, kissing and suckling my left inner thigh, as his hot breath came harder, pounding against my aching need. He lingered for a moment, letting me hope and then began with his mouth on my right thigh, while his hands caressed my curves. His warm breath against me made me ache for completion. I was furious with him, both loving and hating how he was toying with me. I could take no more torture, and Jim knew it. Ever so lightly, he stroked my clitoris, and fingered my wetness, first one, then two and then three fingers, as the tip of his tongue stroked me until I was sobbing, aching to feel his hardness sheathed inside me. Half frenzied sobs began, along with the words. Words from the depths of my soul poured haltingly from me, as tears slipped from beneath the scarf around my eyes. "Jim, I'll always give you all of me, always trust and never doubt you. You know me better than I do. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Another wave of tears assailed me, but I felt him kissing me gently as he whispered to me, "Yes love. Tell me now!"

I swallowed hard and began again, "Until tonight, we hadn't really made love. After tonight, we will only ever make love." Pausing in an effort to control my weeping, I stopped speaking and bit back the tears, but he did not stop and would not. His touch against my sensitized skin and his kisses all over my body, were scorching me. Jim knew how close I was to falling apart. He had known how hard it would be to break my stubborn pride, but he'd had no idea much it would take from me to overcome my fear of actually saying those words aloud. All he knew was that he needed to hear the words from me. And he had known they were there all along, but I had never spoken them aloud to him. He also knew that he had to hear my admittance, even if he had to torture it from me sweetly.

Still sobbing in disbelief, I spoke the words that were engraved into everything that I am. I knew that he would not give me release until I said them aloud. "I love you more than life. I need you in my life in every way, and right now, I need you to fulfill me in the ways that only you can." I lay there on the chaise, still stunned, not believing that he was making me say these things, the things I'd held fast and hidden so deeply within my heart; the things that I'd thought were understood, words I'd never thought I was capable of speaking to anyone.

Filled with the terror of having done so, I wondered what they would mean to him now. I held my breath and waited with tears slipping down my face. I did not yet have a complete understanding of what had just happened. Jim moved to lie beside me then, stroking my hair, wiping away my tears and holding me to him, as he brought my lips to his in a wildly passionate kiss. He held me tightly as the rest spilled from me unexpectedly. I was astounded, and strangely relieved, at the sound of my own voice, almost as if I didn't recognize it, like he had changed me somehow. "Jim, make love to me. Please? Make me wholly complete in being yours, in being one with you. Please, please, now. Please?" They were words spoken, unrehearsed, wrenched from the very soul of me.

My tears fell unabashedly, and I had not even really understood the full impact of this night. I felt confused. I'd been unbalanced all night and was too weary to think rationally. Not yet knowing why he had done this to me, I was assailed with thoughts and fears, 'How could he have pushed me this far? How will he react, now that I've said those things to him, actually handed him total control?' Letting the questions panic me, I felt the final futility in fighting my bonds but that did not stop me from trying. Suddenly overwhelmed, I struggled with the ties that bound my wrists and ankles.

Tears of futility gripped me, but then Jim was whispering to me, in soothing tones, "Shhh, its okay, love. Everything is okay now." Then, he brushed a finger across my lips, ran his fingers over my body, through my hair, and against my cheek, until my weeping finally stopped. As my mood shifted from panicked to calm, a revelation came to me. At last, I realized that there is a kind of emotional freedom of paramount importance, an inherent peace in being unafraid to be entirely vulnerable with Jim. With that revelation, the last of my fears fell away.

I didn't know then that the words would give us completion and fulfillment. I had no way of knowing that the words truly meant something. They meant so very much to Jim and eventually to me. They would come to mean everything. He was finally the sensitive, kind and gentle man that I knew and loved, right there with me, holding me, stroking my face, my hair. I realized that I knew those good things about Jim. The blindfold was still tied around my eyes. I could not see his eyes but I could feel them upon me.

I could take no more wanting and needing. I had to have him, right now! I desired him with a ferocity that threatened to burn me alive. "Jim," I murmured softly, filled with trepidation, "take me now, please? Make love to me?" It was more of a question now. I still held a terror that he could just laugh at me and walk away. Later I would understand that the extremities of the strange thoughts that consumed me were part of exchanging power for the first time. I spoke words that I thought I'd forever hold firmly deep inside of me, never admitting them to anyone, at least in words. I knew some extremes in those moments that nearly broke me. I was growing more terrified by the second, and was half-frenzied when his lips met mine.

Just as I thought I couldn't stand another moment of his silence, he freed my ankles from the belt and tugged me onto my stomach. Allowing relief to wash over me, I smiled and brought my legs up onto the cushion. I lay near sleep for a moment, and then jumped from my relief as he brought the belt down across my bottom again. "Ouch! What the hell was that for?" I ground out at him. Before I could get another word out, he began to rain short, sharp smacks from his belt, landing each one across the fleshier part of my buttocks. I fought for complaints, which I intended to fill the air with, not caring who heard, or found either of us in this state of undress! Then, he began a rhythm, landing several blows to the inside of my thighs, strapping my crimson buttocks and thighs. Once more, I was assailed with fingers, like electricity that spread through my synapses, leaping to every nerve ending and then taking shape in my belly and spreading to my lower extremities. I remembered this feeling from earlier in the night, and raised my buttocks slightly, letting that luscious feeling build to a crescendo. After about twenty cracks from his belt, he rubbed my cheeks, which were thoroughly striped and swollen. As he gently rubbed me, feeling the heat from my bottom sizzling through me, he brought his fingers down to stoke my wetness again. I whimpered, moaned, and squirmed in my incoherent longing for him. Then, I felt Jim's body stiffen and grow hard against me. I became aware that he couldn't deny himself for much longer.

At last, when the lightest touch from him evoked a cry from me, he pressed his entire length into me hard and fast, then stopped and waited for me to catch my breath. Kneeling over me at first and then turning me over, taking me from the front, then on my knees, from the back, entangled and entwined together, he brought me to orgasm many times and in so many ways throughout the night, that I was sure I'd never walk again! I was equally as sure that it was well worth it. We made love as if for the first time again and it was magical. I lifted my hips to meet his rhythm and began pushing harder and faster. He stifled my scream of final, ultimate release, with a kiss so hard, yet so tender, and I knew that I'd never crave another man as I craved him. He climaxed with me and I felt entirely loved, elated, satiated and satisfied, even though my cheeks were still burning.

I had always loved the sensation of Jim throbbing inside of me, but this was all brand new again and just that much sweeter. I could trust him with my life, and had. There had been so much sensuality locked up in the thoughts I'd pushed away in fear of the unknown. Now I knew, beyond all doubt, that I was his completely and he was mine. Inevitably, we were part of each other, like the ocean pounding the beach; dragging a portion back to the sea; staking its claim over and again, for an eternity.

Without moving, not pulling away, running to get cleaned up, or caring what the neighbors might think, Jim held me tightly enough that I could feel how much a part of each other we were. There, in the safety of his arms, I recalled and relived the events of the night. I began to cry a little more and he did not loosen his hold. I was surprised that there was strength enough in me, but he had been prepared for this. Jim let me cry a little more. I was struck with unyielding assurance that not only was he there for me but also that he was holding me together. Not once had he let me fall off a proverbial cliff, without being there to catch me. Then my thoughts began to fit together and I grew quiet as my last sobs subsided. Then he undid the tie from my wrists and the scarf from my eyes with one hand, never letting go of me with the other. I flung my arms around him and buried my face in his chest, needing that final assurance, that I didn't have to be afraid or ashamed about my extremely sexual response to having been spanked by my boyfriend!

He soothed me, never letting go, stroking my hair, pulling me onto him, rocking me slightly in his arms. Then he explained, "I put you through a lot tonight, pushed you near to breaking, but I had to know with certainty," and he paused to tilt my chin up, looking directly into my eyes; straight into my soul, as he continued, "Saying the words, 'love' and 'trust' means you can say the words. I had to know that my future bride would never have cause to doubt me, or wonder about my actions. Both of us have been hurt before. We learned that it's safer to hold back a piece of ourselves, even when we take the vows, because it might not work out. I had to know if you would give your whole self to me; trust me with all of you and more. I could not have lived without that final, missing portion of you. I need all of you, including the part that you hold back subconsciously. I had to bring that to consciousness, to make you know that you can trust me. I'll always hold your whole heart with caution, care, concern and love. I need you to trust me that much, but I couldn't just ask you to. With absolute certainty, I had to know before..." and his voice trailed off.

He kissed me and went to retrieve our clothes. I was disheartened for a moment. Then he found the ring box inside his pants pocket, pulled the ring from it and slipped it onto my finger. "Marry me!" he shouted for the world to hear.

Smiling then, looking directly into those beautiful eyes, I kissed him languorously, and then finished the sentence for him, "before the new, spring grass grows."

(c) August 17, 2000