by Randolph O. Mann
Linda ordered, “Randolph, don’t you and William try tip-toeing out of here! Both of you guys can just turn around and march over here so you can explain why I just had to extricate two celebrated European fashion divas from the hotel whirlpool and spa. Both French style-icons were hysterically weeping and very, very naked while they were gingerly rescued from the swirling water and were helped into waiting terrycloth towel-sheets, all the time wildly blubbered about attending a pressing luncheon commitment, as an assortment of local paparazzi clicked away through telephoto lens.
Randy commented. “That’s seldom a good thing.”
“Randolph, it is a terrible thing! AND I want to hear your whole tortuous statement of your involvement concerning this matter. I want every single detail because it is important that I fully appreciate why I lost any chance at the best job I could ever hope to secure in the Fashion Industry! Can you please clear this up for me?”
“Well, yes I could. And I would love to Linda, BUT it would be a very long story and, coincidentally, William and I have just ordered a noontime buffet from room service and our dessert is also expected to be arriving at our suite upstairs at any minute.”
“BUT Nothing! William can just go on ahead and see to the preparations for your ‘nooner’, while you, Randy, furnish me the quick and dirty version of this latest T. Winston, INC fiasco. Believe me, We Need To Talk!”
“Well ok. But I must provide you with the a much harried, ‘quick and dirty’ version and Linda, you will have to connect all the dots and keep up because there are a couple of tartlets ready to be served and you know what a sweet tooth I have. Here goes everything!
"It started when William and I purchased drinks and approached the girls’ table. I said, ‘Don’t get up ladies! We have another round of Papa Doble’s, the double-sized frozen daiquiris this resort is famous for. Now please Ladies, take the beverages in lieu of ‘a letter of introduction’. Why don't you two lovelies slide over to make a little room at your poolside table for the Randy Mann and his ‘well-heeled’ side-kick ‘Mr. Bill’? So here is to health, wealth, and stealth! Bottoms up, my dears!’
"Then the girls exclaimed: ‘My word, are we in the company of affluent gentry?'
"Then I lied: ‘I do not want to lead you ladies astray, so I must confess we do not have money trees growing in our backyards. What we own are orchards!’
"Which the girls questioned: ‘Orchards of money trees?’
"So I clarified: ‘Sort of. You see, little lady, we have invested some of our disposable income into pistachio futures!'
"The girls then commented: ‘Pistachio futures? That’s nuts!’
"And I acknowledged: ‘Yes we are, but only during the occasions we can be found vacationing away from our day-jobs.’
"The girls then inquired: ‘Day-jobs?’
"And I was forced to confess: ‘Guilty! As I am sure you are already aware, Sweet William here has amassed his personal fortune from fashion manufacturing distribution and I have done quite well in Visioning.’
"The girls quizzed me: ‘Why would you assume we would know William and you are associated with the fashion industry?’
"I politely answered: ‘Well, the prestigious labeling found attached to your stunningly revealing bathing suits are dead giveaways, Honey!’
"The girls were still perplexed: ‘It is? How is that?’
"So I went into detail: ‘Obviously when we happened upon you two gorgeous women enjoying a well earned break brazenly flaunting your perfect feminine figures in ‘Wonderland’ swimwear fabrics, it was an easy assumption for us to make that these provocative outfits had to have been the signature pieces from one of the spring collections publicized on the fashion runway this morning. If your are associated with the fashion industry then you would of course be aware of our prominence in said industry.’
"The girls declared: ‘Randy, you are psychic.’
"I then confirmed and offered: ‘Yes I am and I can prove it if you lovely ladies will follow William and me into the nice warm bubbling waters found in this lovely whirlpool.’
"The girls complied and then challenged: ‘Ok, Randy Mann, we are all in the whirlpool. If you are such a great clairvoyant tell us something mysterious about ourselves or better yet tell our future.’
"So I suggested: ‘Not so fast little ladies, let’s make this a bit more interesting. How about a small wager?’
"The girls balked and posed a query: ‘Depends. What do we get if we win?’
"I answered: ‘If you ladies win, William and I will purchase a Champagne lunch and you two little gals pay for the dessert.’
"That inspired another inquiry: ‘AND, what if we lose?’
"So I teased: ‘If you two ladies lose, William and I will still buy lunch. And...’
"The girls questioned: ‘And, what?’
"So I clarified: ‘And, you two little gals ARE the dessert!’
"The girls hesitated: ‘I don’t know, such a wager places the two of us women at some considerable exposure.’
"Then I upped the ante: ‘In that case, I will further handicap myself by promising you two little girls that I can accomplish both telepathic errands, without even leaving this whirlpool.’
"So the girls went all in: ‘Ok it’s bet, Randy! Mystify us with the future.’
"I confidently suggested: ‘Ladies, I am so sure of winning this little gambit, I will ask William to step out of the whirlpool and go to the front desk to arrange our luncheon delivery from room service. Meanwhile, I will reach in-between you two lovely ladies to collect all of our poolside towels and convey into your feminine custody a second copy of our room key.’
"The girls objected: ‘Hey, wait a second, you have not won yet. To win you must accurately predict our future by telling us something puzzling and mysterious and unless that happens we will not need this key, as all we will do is enjoy our ‘free lunch’ in the hotel dinning room, thank you!’
"Then, with the girl’s terry cloth bathing blankets folded over my arm, I delivered the coup de grace: ‘As Fashion Soothsayer extraordinary, I can predict there will be no “free luncheon” today for either of your lovely ladies, and I am also able to peer into the crystal clear water of this spa where I can see that both of you two ladies had been wearing water-soluble Wonderland swimwear, so you will now find yourselves completely naked, thanks to the effervescent action of the warm fizzy water. This phenomenon will provide these assembled poolside photographers with an x-rated Kodak moment that I would envision is capable of earning each of you now-naked divas multiple fashion magazine covers for your modeling portfolios, as well as providing the ever-vigilant Fashion Paparazzi a well earned payday. But this will happen only after you both are able to conjuror up streams of ‘alligator tears’ for your adoring fans.'
Linda complained, “Randolph, you have made this as clear as mud!”
“Good! Because William is waiting in our suite with a pair of dry hankies and I want to get up there before the lunch is all gone and my ‘petites fours’ get cold.”